Greasy

Greasy Greg loved to eat fried food

But the restaurateurs thought him quite rude

He’d creep out the staff,

So on their behalf

A good Samaritan citizen decided to spit in Greasy Greg’s food one day. Unfortunately, the citizen was a carrier for a very rare, very contagious disease that, upon contact, causes painful sores and spastic projectile vomiting.  This was the fate that befell poor Greg as the entire contents of his body rocketed out of him into a pussy, bloody puddle outside of Danger Dawgs, a local barbecue joint, scaring away a lot of potential customers.  Greg died of rapid, sudden dehydration, and Danger Dawgs received a “B” from the health inspector.

 

 

 

Freeze

To get rid of a mole, it helps to freeze.

The offending tissue is removed with ease

If the mole does grow back

Here’s your plan of attack:

Cut off your skin. All of it. Peel it off of you like a potato. You can’t get a melanoma if you don’t have any skin.

Numbers

Dr. Mel O. Tonin performed surgery by the numbers,

But he also really enjoyed his slumbers

One day, he slept too long

Without him, a surgery could go wrong

And the rookie back-up surgeon had to step in to perform this very risky open heart surgery. Amazingly, the rookie surgeon performed the surgery without a single misstep, not only saving her patient’s life but drastically improving his quality of life. She was promoted to chief surgeon, the youngest in the history of the hospital. Meanwhile, Dr. Tonin lost everything. He climbed into a bottle of vodka and never left. Now the only surgery he performs is on frozen pizzas he gets at the gas station.

Kumquats

When a weightlifting mouse wants to do some squats

He’ll load up a pencil with two kumquats

He’ll push through the incredible pains

And get some sweet Mousey gains

But he’ll push too hard and the kumquats will rip his muscles apart through exertion.  He’ll be sent to tiny intensive care and have to endure tiny physical rehabilitation.  After 6 months of a frustrating healing process, he’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, but he’ll never be the same. Sure, he’ll try to lift again, but he’ll be too scared to try Kumquats again.

Bird

Good sir, have you heard about the Bird.

I’m here to say that the Bird is the word.

You won’t find him on any turf.

Cuz this Bird loves to surf.

So much so that it won every single surfing competition from Hawaii to the Mediterranean. He was so good that every other so-called competetive surfer quit surfing and abandoned their dreams. They all became accountants, bankers, and insurance adjusters. All the beaches are now barren, except for one singular bird. The Surfin’ Bird.

Slopabottomus

The Sarasota Zoo had a cool Hippopotamus

He played funk music, they called him “Slopabottomus”

One day while rocking the place

He broke a string on his bass

Which caused him to go on a murderous rampage throughout the Sarasota Zoo Amphitheater. He crushed people with his mighty Hippo body; he bit a woman in half; one witness said Slop literally swallowed a kid whole.  People forget that Hippos, even Slopabottomus, are vicious territorial creatures that will kill on a moment’s notice.

Titillating

Franklin Pfiffernom felt so uninspired.

A titillating exchange was what he desired.

He decided to take a trip

To see the Las Vegas Strip

But within an hour of landing, he found a blackjack table at a hotel close to the airport and lost everything. More than everything, in fact – he owes $20,000 to a bookie who’s legal name is SnakePit.  He has 24 hours to round up the rest of his money or else SnakePit is going to remove Franklin’s fingers.  I’m no fortune teller, but I’m 85% sure Franklin’s going to lose his fingers.

Schooner

Little Billy wanted to get to school sooner

So his parents surprised him with his very own schooner

For his test he would not be late

He set sail – he could not wait

But he hit a random chop and began to lose control of his vessel. He struck his head on the ship’s wheel and fell into the water. His body washed up on the Connecticut coast three days later, bloated and swollen from the ocean. The kicker? His school was nowhere near a body of water. This purchase made literally no sense. It was tragic and pointless.

ThunderCat

Lion-O had done that which he abhorred

For it seems he has misplaced his sword 

He searched for it with much haste

Lest Thundera should go to waste

Until he came upon that little creep Snarf, who had taken the Sword of Omens in a drunken haze. Apparently, Snarf did a bunch of bath salts & tried to have sex with it, injuring himself severely. Lion-O thought about punishing Snarf for his thievery, but he felt having his genitals maimed by a mystical blade was punishment enough. Lion-O is a fair leader.

Rambo

John Rambo was a man alone

Combat life had turned his heart to stone.

Though his soul soon would swell

A woman for whom he fell

Until a rogue VC General killed her in a vicious power move. He meant to break Rambo, but all he did was make him angry. Very angry. John Rambo went on a one-man rampage, killing so many former VC soldiers that the term “bloodbath” doesn’t even cover it. There’s a river of blood formed by his hand.