ThunderCat

Lion-O had done that which he abhorred

For it seems he has misplaced his sword 

He searched for it with much haste

Lest Thundera should go to waste

Until he came upon that little creep Snarf, who had taken the Sword of Omens in a drunken haze. Apparently, Snarf did a bunch of bath salts & tried to have sex with it, injuring himself severely. Lion-O thought about punishing Snarf for his thievery, but he felt having his genitals maimed by a mystical blade was punishment enough. Lion-O is a fair leader.

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Brütal

Billy Kram started a brutal band

He wrote hundreds of songs and got legions of fans

With a record company he signed,

The fame made him go blind,

And he signed his contract without reading it first, causing him to forgo all rights to his songs, his name, and he receives next to nothing from album sales. He has almost nothing. He wants to walk away but he’s afraid that if he does, he’ll lose what little he has left. He finds no joy in his music anymore, and he has become deeply addicted to heroin as a result.

Popsicle

Rufus Johnson loved his ice cream.
He’d eat it for every meal, and every snack in between.
One day, he woke from a sleep so sound,
To find he’d ballooned to 500 pounds.
This realization was short-lived, however, when the shock of his weight caused him to have a MASSIVE heart attack. Doctors tried to save him, but the defibrillators couldn’t make it through all the fat, and by the time they were able to cut through the fat down to his heart, he’d been dead for 2 hours.

Torque

Johnny Kilutis was kind of a dork,
So he bought a sports car with lots of torque.
He’d always floor it – the tires would burn,
But he found he could not handle the turns,
And his car flipped at 107 MPH & rolled over 27 times into a tree. Fortunately, Johnny was wearing his seat belt, and he walked away relatively unscathed. Unfortunately, he had an aneurism two days later, which killed him instantly.

Derrière

Captain McGavin lived in the air
Flying from the seat of his derrière.
But his craft flew too low;
Into the Rocky Mountains it did go,
And he crashed & killed all but 5 passengers. Destitute, He spent nearly a week eating each passenger one by one. They weren’t even stranded; they crashed literally a mile outside of Denver. Captain McGavin just really wanted an excuse to eat people. His divorce did a real number on him.

Finagle

Lindsay Nagle loved to Finagle
She would argue for everything from beans to bagels.
She tried to haggle over a used car
With a fiendish man with a suspicious scar.
The man’s name was Bill “Break-Neck” Sorentini. He removed her brake pads & drained the brake fluid. Within an hour of leaving the lot, Lindsay’s shoddy car caused a 6-car pile up, resulting in dozens of injuries & several deaths. She is now paralyzed from the waist down, and Bill Sorentini is nowhere to be found.

onomatopoeia

Suzy Spatchella was quite the fizzle.
She’d make and break plans, which made people’s heads sizzle.
She said to her friends, “Let’s go ride bikes!”
But she failed to show, which nobody liked.
Unbeknownst to her friends, though, she had been hit by a car while biking her way to the meet up. Both of her legs were broken and she was rushed to the hospital. She called and told her friends this, but they didn’t believe her. No one has visited her. She’s all alone. She may never walk again.