Banister

Little Timmy Wilson was told not to run down the stairs.
But he’s never been hurt yet, so he didn’t care.
One day when the stairs weren’t swept,
Timmy slipped & banged his head on a step.
Now Timmy has severe head trauma and is in a coma. Doctor’s don’t know if he’ll ever wake up. Today, they spoke to Timmy’s mother about eventually pulling the plug. She cries every day by her son’s bedside, wishing she had just put carpet on the stair steps.

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Spatula

Mikey’s Spatula is way over-used.
Years of greasy food and grime had become infused.
Its dirtiness was beyond compare,
But Mikey kept cooking ‘cuz he didn’t care.
Until one day he contracted a nasty stomach virus from a burger made with the gross spatula. For 3 days and 4 nights, his body violently expelled all contents of the stomach ’till there was literally nothing left inside him but air. He is still unable to eat solid food due to his constant dry-heaving. He’s lost 28 pounds & his core is amazing.

Rambunctious

Sugary snacks can be quite scrumptious,
But they made little Stevie Donahue quite rambunctious.
He never could sit still,
So doctors gave him a pill,
But the reaction was too powerful, and Little Stevie became a deflated husk of his former, wide-eyed self. Yes, he is well behaved now, but he no longer has any drive, creativity, or spirit. There is no light in his eyes anymore.

Juggling

Billy Bojangles was a circus clown
His happy skills could reverse even the deepest of frowns.
But while juggling 3 daggers,
A rock in the road made him stagger,
And he slipped & fell onto all of his blades. One sliced open his cheek, another got lodged in his spleen, and the last one is stuck in his brain. When ever he tries to remove it, he can see the terrible future of man, which causes him great distress. Needless to say, his clowning days are over.

Lucifer

Stevie McNuperssen was a Satanist teen.
He conjured a demon to kill the kids that were mean.
But despite his aggravation,
He messed up the incantation,
And now he’s stuck with a demon who’s abilities are limited to annoying people with horrible retellings of every Seinfeld episode ever. In two weeks, Stevie will be institutionalized, but the Seinfeld Demon will haunt him still. He will spend the rest of his days insane until his eventual suicide, but the Seinfeld demon follows him even in Death.

Scrumtrulescent

James Lipton’s interviews are always quite pleasant.
In fact, many times, they are downright scrumtrulescent.
He enjoys his work, truly,
But sometimes they can get rather unruly.
Like when Malcolm McDowell had a flashback to his horrid experience filming the eyeball scene in “A Clockwork Orange”, and leaped into the audience with a knife and took a student hostage, screaming, “Favor the good side, Stanley!” Fortunately, James was prepared for such an eventuality and promptly shot the veteran actor with a tranquilizer. He completed the interview with McDowell drooling and slurring through his responses. Happy Days.