To get rid of a mole, it helps to freeze.

The offending tissue is removed with ease

If the mole does grow back

Here’s your plan of attack:

Cut off your skin. All of it. Peel it off of you like a potato. You can’t get a melanoma if you don’t have any skin.



Dr. Mel O. Tonin performed surgery by the numbers,

But he also really enjoyed his slumbers

One day, he slept too long

Without him, a surgery could go wrong

And the rookie back-up surgeon had to step in to perform this very risky open heart surgery. Amazingly, the rookie surgeon performed the surgery without a single misstep, not only saving her patient’s life but drastically improving his quality of life. She was promoted to chief surgeon, the youngest in the history of the hospital. Meanwhile, Dr. Tonin lost everything. He climbed into a bottle of vodka and never left. Now the only surgery he performs is on frozen pizzas he gets at the gas station.


Gabby Gelfort was quite bland and dull

She liked her blouses sensible, and her socks made of wool.

She resisted the life ostentatious,

Which made her home lonely but spacious,

But the truth of the matter is that Gabby lives this way because she’s the key witness in a grizzly serial murder investigation & was placed into witness protection. She tries to make friends, but it’s difficult because she can’t tell anyone who she *really* is or what she knows. This is killing her, as her mind is heavily burdened by what she’s seen, the pain she’s witnessed. So she keeps her life simple, because she fears any deviation from routine would send her tumbling into insanity.


There once was a psychologist who loved messages subliminal.

He believed personalities could be changed with suggestions most minimal.

He hypnotized patients of varying ages

He’d implant ideas with secret phrases,

But he didn’t know how powerful his suggestions were, and several of his patients began ferociously scribbling numerical codes and constantly muttering the same phrase in Aramaic. The numbers were the exact coordinates for the lost temple of Skraal-Kalkhor, and the Aramaic phrase woke up Gruül, an ancient demigod whose thirst for blood & destruction cannot, and will not, be slaked.  All hail Gruül, the Death-Bringer.


Joey Krazinsky ate muffins a lot.

He’d scarf them down until his teeth started to rot.

He gained lots of weight,

His body was in a terrible state.

Until one day he contracted salmonella from eating an undercooked muffin and it’s raw contents. He spent hours – days, even – by a toilet, expelling every ounce of fluid he had into the porcelain palace, until there was nothing left.  He continued to dry heave for a solid week until, finally, his abdominal muscles tore in half from the strain.  He’s in a wheelchair now.  He can no longer eat solid foods, especially muffins.


Rufus Johnson loved his ice cream.
He’d eat it for every meal, and every snack in between.
One day, he woke from a sleep so sound,
To find he’d ballooned to 500 pounds.
This realization was short-lived, however, when the shock of his weight caused him to have a MASSIVE heart attack. Doctors tried to save him, but the defibrillators couldn’t make it through all the fat, and by the time they were able to cut through the fat down to his heart, he’d been dead for 2 hours.


Johnny Kilutis was kind of a dork,
So he bought a sports car with lots of torque.
He’d always floor it – the tires would burn,
But he found he could not handle the turns,
And his car flipped at 107 MPH & rolled over 27 times into a tree. Fortunately, Johnny was wearing his seat belt, and he walked away relatively unscathed. Unfortunately, he had an aneurism two days later, which killed him instantly.