Greasy

Greasy Greg loved to eat fried food

But the restaurateurs thought him quite rude

He’d creep out the staff,

So on their behalf

A good Samaritan citizen decided to spit in Greasy Greg’s food one day. Unfortunately, the citizen was a carrier for a very rare, very contagious disease that, upon contact, causes painful sores and spastic projectile vomiting.  This was the fate that befell poor Greg as the entire contents of his body rocketed out of him into a pussy, bloody puddle outside of Danger Dawgs, a local barbecue joint, scaring away a lot of potential customers.  Greg died of rapid, sudden dehydration, and Danger Dawgs received a “B” from the health inspector.

 

 

 

Freeze

To get rid of a mole, it helps to freeze.

The offending tissue is removed with ease

If the mole does grow back

Here’s your plan of attack:

Cut off your skin. All of it. Peel it off of you like a potato. You can’t get a melanoma if you don’t have any skin.

Numbers

Dr. Mel O. Tonin performed surgery by the numbers,

But he also really enjoyed his slumbers

One day, he slept too long

Without him, a surgery could go wrong

And the rookie back-up surgeon had to step in to perform this very risky open heart surgery. Amazingly, the rookie surgeon performed the surgery without a single misstep, not only saving her patient’s life but drastically improving his quality of life. She was promoted to chief surgeon, the youngest in the history of the hospital. Meanwhile, Dr. Tonin lost everything. He climbed into a bottle of vodka and never left. Now the only surgery he performs is on frozen pizzas he gets at the gas station.

Kumquats

When a weightlifting mouse wants to do some squats

He’ll load up a pencil with two kumquats

He’ll push through the incredible pains

And get some sweet Mousey gains

But he’ll push too hard and the kumquats will rip his muscles apart through exertion.  He’ll be sent to tiny intensive care and have to endure tiny physical rehabilitation.  After 6 months of a frustrating healing process, he’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, but he’ll never be the same. Sure, he’ll try to lift again, but he’ll be too scared to try Kumquats again.

Slopabottomus

The Sarasota Zoo had a cool Hippopotamus

He played funk music, they called him “Slopabottomus”

One day while rocking the place

He broke a string on his bass

Which caused him to go on a murderous rampage throughout the Sarasota Zoo Amphitheater. He crushed people with his mighty Hippo body; he bit a woman in half; one witness said Slop literally swallowed a kid whole.  People forget that Hippos, even Slopabottomus, are vicious territorial creatures that will kill on a moment’s notice.

Schooner

Little Billy wanted to get to school sooner

So his parents surprised him with his very own schooner

For his test he would not be late

He set sail – he could not wait

But he hit a random chop and began to lose control of his vessel. He struck his head on the ship’s wheel and fell into the water. His body washed up on the Connecticut coast three days later, bloated and swollen from the ocean. The kicker? His school was nowhere near a body of water. This purchase made literally no sense. It was tragic and pointless.

Ostentatious

Gabby Gelfort was quite bland and dull

She liked her blouses sensible, and her socks made of wool.

She resisted the life ostentatious,

Which made her home lonely but spacious,

But the truth of the matter is that Gabby lives this way because she’s the key witness in a grizzly serial murder investigation & was placed into witness protection. She tries to make friends, but it’s difficult because she can’t tell anyone who she *really* is or what she knows. This is killing her, as her mind is heavily burdened by what she’s seen, the pain she’s witnessed. So she keeps her life simple, because she fears any deviation from routine would send her tumbling into insanity.

Absurd

Joseph McGork loved to perform the Spoken Word.

His poetry ranged from pleasant & beautiful to delightfully absurd. 

He shared his gift loudly,

His family spoke of him proudly,

Until one day, he had a horribly unexpected allergic reaction to an experimental antibiotic medication, resulting in the complete destruction of his speech faculty. Now, breathing is a chore, and even attempting to speak gives Joseph excruciating pain, all of which he internalizes because crying and/or screaming only causes more debilitating pain. He exists now in constant, torturous silence, and he can only consume food prepared as a smoothie-like paste.

Muffin

Joey Krazinsky ate muffins a lot.

He’d scarf them down until his teeth started to rot.

He gained lots of weight,

His body was in a terrible state.

Until one day he contracted salmonella from eating an undercooked muffin and it’s raw contents. He spent hours – days, even – by a toilet, expelling every ounce of fluid he had into the porcelain palace, until there was nothing left.  He continued to dry heave for a solid week until, finally, his abdominal muscles tore in half from the strain.  He’s in a wheelchair now.  He can no longer eat solid foods, especially muffins.

Fingerblast

Timmy Thompson had a talent that he learned real fast.
It seems people can’t get enough of his wonderful fingerblasts.
He was loved by his fans,
For He had magic in his hands;
Until one day, he fingerblasted the daughter of a notorious crime boss. Timmy’s hands were unceremoniously chopped off & tossed in the river. He still tries to impress people with his talents, but nobody wants to be “hookblasted” in this day and age. By now, all of Timmy’s once loyal fans have gone, and his friends have all abandoned him. All Timmy can do now is use his hook-hands to open stubborn cans of soup. It’s all he’s good for now.