Kumquats

When a weightlifting mouse wants to do some squats

He’ll load up a pencil with two kumquats

He’ll push through the incredible pains

And get some sweet Mousey gains

But he’ll push too hard and the kumquats will rip his muscles apart through exertion.  He’ll be sent to tiny intensive care and have to endure tiny physical rehabilitation.  After 6 months of a frustrating healing process, he’ll feel a sense of accomplishment, but he’ll never be the same. Sure, he’ll try to lift again, but he’ll be too scared to try Kumquats again.

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Rambo

John Rambo was a man alone

Combat life had turned his heart to stone.

Though his soul soon would swell

A woman for whom he fell

Until a rogue VC General killed her in a vicious power move. He meant to break Rambo, but all he did was make him angry. Very angry. John Rambo went on a one-man rampage, killing so many former VC soldiers that the term “bloodbath” doesn’t even cover it. There’s a river of blood formed by his hand.

The horrifying power of Hate

In the entire span of human history, no problem, issue, or trouble has ever been solved by hatred.  Hatred has never wrought a positive outcome in any way. Hatred has never been credited with leading to change in the world in a better direction. Hatred doesn’t want change; hatred wants everything to stay the same. Hatred promotes judgement, envy, and paranoia. Hatred abhors progress, change, and unity.  

The atrocious mass shooting that took place in Orlando is the result of unbridled, continuous, and systematic hatred.  Hatred is an enormously powerful impact in this world. Hatred is powerful because it can feed on itself, which means you can’t fight hatred with hatred.  The only thing that can fight hatred is love. I know that sounds sappy, but it’s absolutely true. Love, patience, understanding, and tolerance cancels out hatred, because hatred cannot exist where love prevails. 

If you feel angry right now, please feel angry! Anger can lead to real change. Anger can be a catalyst for action. Anger is not hatred, though it can very easily feed into hatred. But let this anger fuel something! Don’t let it just peter out into nothing.  Don’t get used to this.  Don’t let hatred become the norm.

If there’s someone you love, whoever they are, never pass up an opportunity to tell them that you love them. Because you could lose them in an instant, just how they could lose you in an instant.

Finally, remember this is a small world we live on and in, and at the moment it’s the only one we have, just like we’re all we have.

Ross-Twat

Rosstwat McGillicutty was in great distress,

For he was constantly hounded by Stephen “Cuntball” Burgess

RT would try to go about his day

But Cuntball would just get in the way

Like this one time when RT saw the new Star Wars movie, and Cuntball Stephen just showed up & sat next to him. It would’ve been okay if Stephen hadn’t peed himself and threw up aaaaaall over the row in front of them. RT tried to distance himself from the situation, but Cuntball grabbed onto him & started crying. A lot. Like that kind of crying where you can’t breathe & there’s a ton of snot streaming down your face. That’s what Cuntball was doing. As they were being escorted out of the theatre, Stephen also pooped himself. A river of shit flooded the theatre. A HAZMAT quarantine was established & 3 people drowned. Stephen pooped so much that 3 people drowned in poop.

Happy New Year! You’re gonna Die!

2015 is here! Everybody be on the lookout for the DeLorean.
Somebody go buy the 1950-2000 Sports Almanac so Marty can’t.
Scientists, you have 1 year to perfect cold fusion engines to the point where cars can run on trash.

This morning I was listening to the Nerdist Podcast, and Kevin Smith was the guest for this particular episode. In the show, he was talking about the unbelievable joy that comes from producing & making what you love, despite what others may think. That’s how he made Clerks, Red Statw, and many more of his fantastic films. It’s great advice, especially with all the tech available to the public today.

But as agreeable as that idea is, it’s not as easy as it might seem. I like to consider myself a creative person with great ideas & instincts. I think up awesome story premises & sketch ideas that I know would be funny, at least to me. These ideas, however, seem constantly tempered by the self-loathing mentality of, “What if people don’t think it’s funny?”, or, “What if it’s not as good as I think it is?”. These thoughts enter my head & I end up indefinitely putting off a potentially great idea because it *might* not be good, or not as good as I thought it was going to be. Laziness also has something to do with it, but it’s this mentality that reinforces said laziness. Too often I find myself being more of a dreamer and less of a doer. Hell, there have been several potential entries FOR THIS VERY BLOG that I ended up scrapping because I thought they weren’t good enough, or profound enough, or I thought people would hate it. That’s why there are these long stretches of time where I don’t post anything. In 2015, I am going to strive to change that.

In this Kevin Smith Nerdist podcast, he said quite possibly the best motivational advice I’ve ever heard. It’s advice that’s as old as time, but I’ve never heard it worded this way. He said that if you’re ever not doing something because you think people won’t like it, realize this: You’re gonna die some day. That’s it. You are going to die. Eventually, not soon. At least not likely soon. The point is that there comes a time for everyone when it’s over, and there’s nothing that can be done about it. So when you see yourself on your deathbed, and you’re remembering your life, are you happy with it? Or do you see yourself saying, “I wish I had done ___”, or, “I regret not ____”? What do you see yourself saying right before you draw your terminal gasp? If it’s the latter above, it’s not too late. Take that great idea you have and do it! Make that film; write that book; start that podcast; ask that girl or that guy out!! Because you’re gonna die one day, and then it’s over. You’re done. The race is complete. Bowser’s dead. The boss is beaten. It’s what you do NOW that ultimately makes a life, your life, worth living.

I just realized how Tony Robbins-y this post is getting, so I’m going to make a poop joke so that this isn’t so uncomfortably positive.
This morning, I drank a cup of coffee that said “French Vanilla” on the bag, but what I think it meant to say was, “laxative modified to convert every ounce of waste in your body from a solid into a liquid.” I’m just glad I was at work, because if I’m going to be evacuating my bowels at 8:30 AM, I’d like to be getting paid for it.

We’re all gonna die, that’s an undeniable fact. What happens from now ’till the grave is entirely up to us.

Toodles, y’all.

“Those Were The Days”

On the 25th of October, in the year of our Lord 2014, the world lost one of its greatest citizens. Jack Bruce, husband, father, grandfather, and virtuoso bassist, passed away from liver disease at the age of 71. His bass playing in the supergroup of supergroups, Cream, was some of the most influential in the annals of bass guitar. Just listen to “Badge”, “White Room”, or Cream’s explosive live version of “Spoonful” to hear not only Jack Bruce’s bass lines, but also his majestic vocals.

The death of Jack Bruce brings up once again the constant question of what will become of Rock and Roll in the future? It’s no secret that, these days, we see less and less of the brave and bold rockers that are willing to push the boundaries of volume, sound, and effects. Oh, they’re out there, making the music that they want, rest assured. But these types of serious, studious, talented, and fearless artists seem to not get the respect, adoration, and exposure that their ilk received even 20 years ago. In the 70s, 80s, and 90s, Rock and Roll used to fill stadiums and arenas. 20,000-seat venues were the playgrounds of contemporary rock bands like Cream, Aerosmith, Metallica, and Pearl Jam during their respective eras. But where are the rock bands of this generation? Who shreds for the people today? One would think that the incredible access to information available to the average citizen these days would give them up-to-minute access to the best modern bands to fill their respective personal tastes. However, it has had the opposite effect. There are so many bands rocking out there now, and even more forming every day. How’s a shred-head supposed to narrow down the sounds?? There’s only so many hours in the day – I can’t listen to all this new music and still appreciate my faves!! And the worst part is that the so-called “popular” radio stations today play the same watered down crap every 20 freakin’ minutes!! It’s not that the great musicians aren’t out there, they totes MAGOTES are! It’s that the great musicians, artists, and songwriters of today are forced to take a backseat to the over-produced and over-exposed pop stars that have flooded the market with their generic anemic crap!! It needs to end.

Everyone who reads this, I have an assignment: go out and listen to a band or artist that you’ve never heard of and know nothing about. Just one!
Do it, and I guarantee your horizons will expand beyond what you thought possible. Go out and seek some new talent. Don’t wait for it to be announced by some producer or studio. Find something new, and listen to it. Even if you hate it, listen to it. Because it might lead you to something you didn’t even know about yourself.

Do it for Jack Bruce!

It’s easier to find a job when you already have one.

“It’s easier to find a job when you already have one.” That is an exceedingly simple concept that my entire family has been trying to drill into my stubbornly thick skull for many years now. I am not too proud of the fact that it took me until recently to truly understand what they meant by that little phrase.

First things first: I finally got myself a job. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s a job. To maintain anonymity, I will not say what or where the job is, because the point of this post goes beyond how happy I am to simply have employment. The purpose for this post is to express my opinion on the importance of employment in general, especially in a rough economy like that of the state of Illinois, and even more so like the city of Chicago. It’s no secret that things are tough all over, for everybody, and they are considerably tougher for the unemployed. The taxes are brutal; transportation costs are high; rent prices all over the city are ridiculous – it seems like it costs a fortune a day to live in The Windy City. So, in this sense, employment is essential to survival in this, or in any, city.