Greasy

Greasy Greg loved to eat fried food

But the restaurateurs thought him quite rude

He’d creep out the staff,

So on their behalf

A good Samaritan citizen decided to spit in Greasy Greg’s food one day. Unfortunately, the citizen was a carrier for a very rare, very contagious disease that, upon contact, causes painful sores and spastic projectile vomiting.  This was the fate that befell poor Greg as the entire contents of his body rocketed out of him into a pussy, bloody puddle outside of Danger Dawgs, a local barbecue joint, scaring away a lot of potential customers.  Greg died of rapid, sudden dehydration, and Danger Dawgs received a “B” from the health inspector.

 

 

 

Freeze

To get rid of a mole, it helps to freeze.

The offending tissue is removed with ease

If the mole does grow back

Here’s your plan of attack:

Cut off your skin. All of it. Peel it off of you like a potato. You can’t get a melanoma if you don’t have any skin.

Numbers

Dr. Mel O. Tonin performed surgery by the numbers,

But he also really enjoyed his slumbers

One day, he slept too long

Without him, a surgery could go wrong

And the rookie back-up surgeon had to step in to perform this very risky open heart surgery. Amazingly, the rookie surgeon performed the surgery without a single misstep, not only saving her patient’s life but drastically improving his quality of life. She was promoted to chief surgeon, the youngest in the history of the hospital. Meanwhile, Dr. Tonin lost everything. He climbed into a bottle of vodka and never left. Now the only surgery he performs is on frozen pizzas he gets at the gas station.

Bird

Good sir, have you heard about the Bird.

I’m here to say that the Bird is the word.

You won’t find him on any turf.

Cuz this Bird loves to surf.

So much so that it won every single surfing competition from Hawaii to the Mediterranean. He was so good that every other so-called competetive surfer quit surfing and abandoned their dreams. They all became accountants, bankers, and insurance adjusters. All the beaches are now barren, except for one singular bird. The Surfin’ Bird.

Titillating

Franklin Pfiffernom felt so uninspired.

A titillating exchange was what he desired.

He decided to take a trip

To see the Las Vegas Strip

But within an hour of landing, he found a blackjack table at a hotel close to the airport and lost everything. More than everything, in fact – he owes $20,000 to a bookie who’s legal name is SnakePit.  He has 24 hours to round up the rest of his money or else SnakePit is going to remove Franklin’s fingers.  I’m no fortune teller, but I’m 85% sure Franklin’s going to lose his fingers.

Schooner

Little Billy wanted to get to school sooner

So his parents surprised him with his very own schooner

For his test he would not be late

He set sail – he could not wait

But he hit a random chop and began to lose control of his vessel. He struck his head on the ship’s wheel and fell into the water. His body washed up on the Connecticut coast three days later, bloated and swollen from the ocean. The kicker? His school was nowhere near a body of water. This purchase made literally no sense. It was tragic and pointless.

ThunderCat

Lion-O had done that which he abhorred

For it seems he has misplaced his sword 

He searched for it with much haste

Lest Thundera should go to waste

Until he came upon that little creep Snarf, who had taken the Sword of Omens in a drunken haze. Apparently, Snarf did a bunch of bath salts & tried to have sex with it, injuring himself severely. Lion-O thought about punishing Snarf for his thievery, but he felt having his genitals maimed by a mystical blade was punishment enough. Lion-O is a fair leader.

Ostentatious

Gabby Gelfort was quite bland and dull

She liked her blouses sensible, and her socks made of wool.

She resisted the life ostentatious,

Which made her home lonely but spacious,

But the truth of the matter is that Gabby lives this way because she’s the key witness in a grizzly serial murder investigation & was placed into witness protection. She tries to make friends, but it’s difficult because she can’t tell anyone who she *really* is or what she knows. This is killing her, as her mind is heavily burdened by what she’s seen, the pain she’s witnessed. So she keeps her life simple, because she fears any deviation from routine would send her tumbling into insanity.

Join

Billy Baroon wanted a club he could join

He craved acceptance, and was willing to spend lots of coin.

Billy was boring & sort of bland,

Then he found a group he thought was grand.

But that group turned out to be a cult with a crazy leader that planned on sacrificing all the members to the “Ant God”. Billy cannot leave, nor does he want to. He has accepted his role in the world. The Ant God is Peace. The Ant God is Love. The Ant God is All.  His family is very worried about him. On the plus side, Billy’s outlook seems to have improved.

Liminal

There once was a psychologist who loved messages subliminal.

He believed personalities could be changed with suggestions most minimal.

He hypnotized patients of varying ages

He’d implant ideas with secret phrases,

But he didn’t know how powerful his suggestions were, and several of his patients began ferociously scribbling numerical codes and constantly muttering the same phrase in Aramaic. The numbers were the exact coordinates for the lost temple of Skraal-Kalkhor, and the Aramaic phrase woke up Gruül, an ancient demigod whose thirst for blood & destruction cannot, and will not, be slaked.  All hail Gruül, the Death-Bringer.