Bird

Good sir, have you heard about the Bird.

I’m here to say that the Bird is the word.

You won’t find him on any turf.

Cuz this Bird loves to surf.

So much so that it won every single surfing competition from Hawaii to the Mediterranean. He was so good that every other so-called competetive surfer quit surfing and abandoned their dreams. They all became accountants, bankers, and insurance adjusters. All the beaches are now barren, except for one singular bird. The Surfin’ Bird.

Titillating

Franklin Pfiffernom felt so uninspired.

A titillating exchange was what he desired.

He decided to take a trip

To see the Las Vegas Strip

But within an hour of landing, he found a blackjack table at a hotel close to the airport and lost everything. More than everything, in fact – he owes $20,000 to a bookie who’s legal name is SnakePit.  He has 24 hours to round up the rest of his money or else SnakePit is going to remove Franklin’s fingers.  I’m no fortune teller, but I’m 85% sure Franklin’s going to lose his fingers.

Schooner

Captain Belton McFelton sailed the seas grand.
His Schooner, The Dragon, moved by his command.
But by his crew he was despised,
A great mutiny they devised.
But they were captured by Somali Pirates before they got the chance to revolt. The crew that weren’t killed were sold into the lucrative sex trade that deals solely in grown men. As for Captain McFelton, well, he became the head pirate’s sea-wife, and they lived happily ever after.

Traveling

Gretchen Finkle was a traveling girl.
She’s seen many cultures from all over the world.
But while at a sketchy resort,
A busboy stole her passport,
Now she washes dishes in a Guadalajara taqueria for 50 cents an hour. Her life is in ruins until she can get back home, which probably won’t be for a long time. Also her pet gerbil died while she was away.

First FOOD review: The Billy Goat Tavern

I actually wrote this on facebook a few weeks a go, but I felt it would gain a better audience here.
The Billy Goat Tavern
I walk in to the unassuming hole-in-the-wall beneath the goat that graces the façade of the famous Billy Goat Tavern. I look around at all the satisfied customers chatting about as Tom Jones’ “It’s not unusual” plays on the jukebox. It had a decades-old den of deliciousness has been a favorite spot for Chicagoans to grab a burger and a beer since 1934, and it is easy to see why. In 80 years, this restaurant has changed very little. It has the same food, same friendly service, the same smiling customers that Greek Burger slinger Sam Sianis envisioned all those years ago. After taking a look around at the hundreds of photos of all the celebrities that have graced these seats, not to mention the countless newspaper clippings from Chicago columnist Mike Royko lining the walls, I stepped up to the counter to place my order, only to find out that the restaurant is cash-only. Fortunately, they have an ATM next to the jukebox. So, with cash in hand, I return to the aforementioned counter and I ordered a bacon double cheeseburger, chips, and a coke. My meal was ready within minutes. After the addition of some diced onions and a little ketchup, I sidled up to the bar, where they had “Wayne’s World 2” playing on TV. It was a great atmosphere for a meal.
Upon my first bite into the sandwich, I quickly realized what made it so great: simplicity. Nowadays, there are a lot of restaurants and food places getting creative with the hamburger. I’ve had Hawaiian-style burgers, turkey burgers, deconstructed burgers, and over-priced “specialty burgers” containing ingredients I’ve never even heard of. But the amazing flavor of the Billy Goat burger comes from the fact that it is exactly that: a burger, plain and simple. No frills, no special additives; just two beef patties with American cheese and bacon, saddled between two buttery kaiser rolls. You want pickles? Onions? Relish? You can add it on at your leisure at the stand next to the grill. With nothing extra to get in the way, it’s much easier to enjoy the mouth-watering flavor of the historically famous Billy Goat Burger. I finished my coke, and ordered a house beer, a Billy Goat Dark. It was incredibly refreshing. Bitter with a splash of caramel, it was certainly a great way to cap off a great meal.
On my way out, the friendly busser bid me a fond farewell, and I left feeling satisfied.
If you’re visiting Chicago, moving to Chicago, or have lived here all your life, The Billy Goat Tavern on Michigan Ave. is not to be missed. Sit down and stay awhile.