Obligatory Post about a Sandwich

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything on here. Too long. Why, you may ask? Why? Because I’m lazy, alright! There, you solved the puzzle! Are you satisfied??  

So I felt I needed to write…something. Well, I just left a lovely eating establishment known as Cheesies, and I ordered a lovely sandwich called “The Tenderizer”, a heart-stopping amalgamation of fried chicken, smoked bacon, cheddar & mozzerella cheeses, & BBQ sauce slathered between two giant slices of Texas Toast.  Folks, this sandwich is so good that every time I eat it, I cry & drool at the same time, and my tears & drool mix and pour onto the plate with the sauce drippings, creating a watery, saucy pool in which you can see your disgustingly content reflection.  Add ranch on the side for dipping and it’s a veritable tastegasm.  It’s that kind of sandwich that you struggle to duplicate and FAIL MISERABLY!  When you’re not eating it, this sandwich haunts your tastebuds to the point of sweaty insanity! The crispiness of the chicken; the aroma of the bacon; the allure of the multiple cheeses mixing together as if to say, “Hey, look. We’re gonna be alright; people are great, and the future’s bright.” 

Go to Cheesies. Get the tenderizer. Eat it, then clean yourself up, because there is no dignified way to eat this sandwich. None. And that’s a good thing. 

Also, you’re gonna wanna take a nap once you’re done. Try to avoid that urge.

Or don’t. Food naps are great. Waking up from them is a chore, though. Be aware.

Tenderizer. Get it.



Joey Krazinsky ate muffins a lot.

He’d scarf them down until his teeth started to rot.

He gained lots of weight,

His body was in a terrible state.

Until one day he contracted salmonella from eating an undercooked muffin and it’s raw contents. He spent hours – days, even – by a toilet, expelling every ounce of fluid he had into the porcelain palace, until there was nothing left.  He continued to dry heave for a solid week until, finally, his abdominal muscles tore in half from the strain.  He’s in a wheelchair now.  He can no longer eat solid foods, especially muffins.


Mikey’s Spatula is way over-used.
Years of greasy food and grime had become infused.
Its dirtiness was beyond compare,
But Mikey kept cooking ‘cuz he didn’t care.
Until one day he contracted a nasty stomach virus from a burger made with the gross spatula. For 3 days and 4 nights, his body violently expelled all contents of the stomach ’till there was literally nothing left inside him but air. He is still unable to eat solid food due to his constant dry-heaving. He’s lost 28 pounds & his core is amazing.


Gretchen Finkle was a traveling girl.
She’s seen many cultures from all over the world.
But while at a sketchy resort,
A busboy stole her passport,
Now she washes dishes in a Guadalajara taqueria for 50 cents an hour. Her life is in ruins until she can get back home, which probably won’t be for a long time. Also her pet gerbil died while she was away.

First FOOD review: The Billy Goat Tavern

I actually wrote this on facebook a few weeks a go, but I felt it would gain a better audience here.
The Billy Goat Tavern
I walk in to the unassuming hole-in-the-wall beneath the goat that graces the fa├žade of the famous Billy Goat Tavern. I look around at all the satisfied customers chatting about as Tom Jones’ “It’s not unusual” plays on the jukebox. It had a decades-old den of deliciousness has been a favorite spot for Chicagoans to grab a burger and a beer since 1934, and it is easy to see why. In 80 years, this restaurant has changed very little. It has the same food, same friendly service, the same smiling customers that Greek Burger slinger Sam Sianis envisioned all those years ago. After taking a look around at the hundreds of photos of all the celebrities that have graced these seats, not to mention the countless newspaper clippings from Chicago columnist Mike Royko lining the walls, I stepped up to the counter to place my order, only to find out that the restaurant is cash-only. Fortunately, they have an ATM next to the jukebox. So, with cash in hand, I return to the aforementioned counter and I ordered a bacon double cheeseburger, chips, and a coke. My meal was ready within minutes. After the addition of some diced onions and a little ketchup, I sidled up to the bar, where they had “Wayne’s World 2” playing on TV. It was a great atmosphere for a meal.
Upon my first bite into the sandwich, I quickly realized what made it so great: simplicity. Nowadays, there are a lot of restaurants and food places getting creative with the hamburger. I’ve had Hawaiian-style burgers, turkey burgers, deconstructed burgers, and over-priced “specialty burgers” containing ingredients I’ve never even heard of. But the amazing flavor of the Billy Goat burger comes from the fact that it is exactly that: a burger, plain and simple. No frills, no special additives; just two beef patties with American cheese and bacon, saddled between two buttery kaiser rolls. You want pickles? Onions? Relish? You can add it on at your leisure at the stand next to the grill. With nothing extra to get in the way, it’s much easier to enjoy the mouth-watering flavor of the historically famous Billy Goat Burger. I finished my coke, and ordered a house beer, a Billy Goat Dark. It was incredibly refreshing. Bitter with a splash of caramel, it was certainly a great way to cap off a great meal.
On my way out, the friendly busser bid me a fond farewell, and I left feeling satisfied.
If you’re visiting Chicago, moving to Chicago, or have lived here all your life, The Billy Goat Tavern on Michigan Ave. is not to be missed. Sit down and stay awhile.