Schooner

Little Billy wanted to get to school sooner

So his parents surprised him with his very own schooner

For his test he would not be late

He set sail – he could not wait

But he hit a random chop and began to lose control of his vessel. He struck his head on the ship’s wheel and fell into the water. His body washed up on the Connecticut coast three days later, bloated and swollen from the ocean. The kicker? His school was nowhere near a body of water. This purchase made literally no sense. It was tragic and pointless.

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ThunderCat

Lion-O had done that which he abhorred

For it seems he has misplaced his sword 

He searched for it with much haste

Lest Thundera should go to waste

Until he came upon that little creep Snarf, who had taken the Sword of Omens in a drunken haze. Apparently, Snarf did a bunch of bath salts & tried to have sex with it, injuring himself severely. Lion-O thought about punishing Snarf for his thievery, but he felt having his genitals maimed by a mystical blade was punishment enough. Lion-O is a fair leader.

Rambo

John Rambo was a man alone

Combat life had turned his heart to stone.

Though his soul soon would swell

A woman for whom he fell

Until a rogue VC General killed her in a vicious power move. He meant to break Rambo, but all he did was make him angry. Very angry. John Rambo went on a one-man rampage, killing so many former VC soldiers that the term “bloodbath” doesn’t even cover it. There’s a river of blood formed by his hand.

The horrifying power of Hate

In the entire span of human history, no problem, issue, or trouble has ever been solved by hatred.  Hatred has never wrought a positive outcome in any way. Hatred has never been credited with leading to change in the world in a better direction. Hatred doesn’t want change; hatred wants everything to stay the same. Hatred promotes judgement, envy, and paranoia. Hatred abhors progress, change, and unity.  

The atrocious mass shooting that took place in Orlando is the result of unbridled, continuous, and systematic hatred.  Hatred is an enormously powerful impact in this world. Hatred is powerful because it can feed on itself, which means you can’t fight hatred with hatred.  The only thing that can fight hatred is love. I know that sounds sappy, but it’s absolutely true. Love, patience, understanding, and tolerance cancels out hatred, because hatred cannot exist where love prevails. 

If you feel angry right now, please feel angry! Anger can lead to real change. Anger can be a catalyst for action. Anger is not hatred, though it can very easily feed into hatred. But let this anger fuel something! Don’t let it just peter out into nothing.  Don’t get used to this.  Don’t let hatred become the norm.

If there’s someone you love, whoever they are, never pass up an opportunity to tell them that you love them. Because you could lose them in an instant, just how they could lose you in an instant.

Finally, remember this is a small world we live on and in, and at the moment it’s the only one we have, just like we’re all we have.

Chocolate 

I spend a lot of time thinking about Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory.  You know, that movie that’s adapted from a book where a candy maker openly admits to (essentially) owning slaves & spends a whole day torturing children, only to give his entire enterprise to a child he knows nothing about, that probably doesn’t know shit about business, all because he “does a nice thing.”  Yeah, that’n.

Anyway, I’ve always loved the “The Chocolate Factory.” It sounds like such a whimsical place – endless candy, new technologies, and you can eat the infrastructure.  I wish life was more like the Chocolate Factory. Unfortunately it’s not. No, more often than not, it’s a Crap Factory. A crap factory is basically the same thing as The Chocolate Factory, only instead of delicious candy & fun times, everything’s made of shit. You eat shit, you smell shit, you drink shitty lifting drinks & bump into the walls which in turn smear shit all over your shitty body & shitty life.  Welcome to the Crap Factory, kids! Get used to it.

Now, occasionally, The Chocolate Factory makes a brief but impactful appearance, and you get to taste amazing candy, and all is well in the world for a very short period of time. And you’re happy. For a time, you’re happy and you feel like nothing can ruin it. Then, of course, the Crap Factory opens back up and sends out the shit train, which makes a B-line straight for your f*cking face, heart, and soul.  And you remember just how shitty your life is, but you smile a bit because you still have that delicious chocolate factory memory. Nothing can take that away as long as you live. 

Because that’s life: a never ending stream of shit with occasional chocolate interruptions.

Ross-Twat

Rosstwat McGillicutty was in great distress,

For he was constantly hounded by Stephen “Cuntball” Burgess

RT would try to go about his day

But Cuntball would just get in the way

Like this one time when RT saw the new Star Wars movie, and Cuntball Stephen just showed up & sat next to him. It would’ve been okay if Stephen hadn’t peed himself and threw up aaaaaall over the row in front of them. RT tried to distance himself from the situation, but Cuntball grabbed onto him & started crying. A lot. Like that kind of crying where you can’t breathe & there’s a ton of snot streaming down your face. That’s what Cuntball was doing. As they were being escorted out of the theatre, Stephen also pooped himself. A river of shit flooded the theatre. A HAZMAT quarantine was established & 3 people drowned. Stephen pooped so much that 3 people drowned in poop.

Trump

O hear, all, my tale of Mean Donald Trump

Who’s strength was bested by a massive dump.

On the toilet he did strain,

His pale ass was in great pain, 

Until finally he managed to push the fire hydrant-sized turd out from ‘twixt his cheeks. Unfortunately for Trump, the strain caused a major blood vessel in his head to burst. The blood on his brain gave him the symptoms of dementia, and he began spouting off all kinds of insane rhetoric about deporting Muslims and Mexico paying for a wall along the southern border of the United States. As shocking as it all is, he honestly doesn’t have long – He’s basically a light breeze away from a MASSIVE aneurysm.